Broken Heart Beat
by ArtThistle
Summary: Hermiones life is falling apart. Everything she'd bottled up in her life is starting to take her over. She feels a deep loathing for her own being. And with everything going on in their seventh, and final, year, how will she cope? Who can help her put out of her despair? Who can help her find her way back to the light?
1. Walk

The petite brunette sat on the edge of the lumpy. She buried her face in her hands, tears spilling freely from her eyes. She'd never been that good at containing her emotions, and now she was just too far gone. She couldn't deal with everything that had happened. She couldn't deal with everything that was going to happen. Hermione's life was being turned completely upside down.

It had started a month ago. Her parents sat her down at the table. They held her hands, and they were so very polite in their tones. She should've suspected something, but she hadn't. She never could've expected what was yet to come. Sure, she knew she'd uprooted their lives when she returned and restored their memories. They'd been happy. She'd watched them being happy. But once they remembered… Well, the facades collapsed. They couldn't deal with her anymore. And now… Now she found herself renting a room above the Leaky Cauldron. She hadn't been able to handle telling Ron or Harry yet. She'd told them she would be meeting them there for shopping instead of spending the holidays at the Burrow.

They'd be arriving that day. Hermione knew she needed to tidy herself up. She had to look presentable. They depended on her to be stable and calm. She couldn't let them see her like this.

Sighing, she heaved herself off the mattress and stepped into the adjoining bathroom. She ran the water for a moment to get it cold, before splashing it over her face. It was refreshing, and helped to dull the blotchiness of her cheeks. A quick layer of brown eyeliner and volume enhancing black mascara, and she didn't look too bad. She had always loved the genes her parents had passed to her. She'd never had a problem with acne, besides the occasional pimple that usually disappeared within a day or two. And since she switched shampoos, her hair had been in much better condition as well. She was glad she'd decided to grow it out.

She looked at her face in the mirror. She felt sick looking at it. She was the reason for her parent's pain. She had caused them so much hurt. She couldn't understand how she could bare to exist. She felt a pang of guilt at how much she hated herself at that moment. She was an unpleasant, unnatural thing. She should be punished for it.

Hermione had heard the commotion of the Weasleys entering their rooms just down the hall, but chose to remain alone. She wasn't ready yet. She had to get dressed still. She reached into the closet and sorted through the items hanging there. Over the summer, she'd stopped wearing pants. It was a ridiculous thing, but during the entirety of the war, she'd worn jeans. Now, the very idea of pants made her feel uncomfortable. She only wore dresses or skirts now.

She reached in and pulled out a knee-length white dress with black polka dots on it. It was in a classic 50's cut. Very modest and cute. She loved this dress. It reminded her of better times. Times in which no one was fighting. No one was angry. The world actually seemed like it could be a good place. It made her feel hopeful.

And with those hopeful feelings, she left her room and went out to meet her friends.

Harry and Ron were engrossed in a game of wizards chess. It was difficult to tell who was winning, with their constant squabbling. Ginny was sitting with her parents, looking over the book lists for the upcoming year. Hermione had already purchased most of her books, and she felt a bit sorry for the Weasleys. Even with the financial help they'd gotten from the wizarding community after the war, they were still struggling to make ends meet, and this year's book list was a hefty one. It was going to be hard for them.

George was the one to notice her arrival. He stood up and called out her name, extending his arms for a hug. He was the one she'd written to most over the summer. He'd been having a bad time, and had confided in her. Freds death had been so hard on him. They'd always been together. And the suddenly, just like that, George was alone with no idea what to do without his other half.

Hermione felt elated at seeing him and skipped down the last couple stairs and launched herself into his arms. She giggled with glee as he span her around in the air. It felt nice to laugh, though she didn't feel as though she deserved it. She had no right to be happy in the wake of so much despair.

"**Hermione!"** Ginnys voice was shrill and excited as she rose swiftly from her seat, knocking it against the table hard enough to knock over some of the chess pieces. An angry clamour erupted as Harry and Ron stood up. Hermione rolled her eyes at their ensuing argument about who had been winning. It was so typical of them. So wonderfully typical. It made her feel safe. Not everything had changed. Some things stayed so wonderfully the same.

Hermione felt tears prick at her eyes as the happy emotions swept over her. A brief respite from her previous anxieties.

"**I'm so happy to see you all. You have no idea what this all means to me!" **Her voice quivered. She blinked her eyes a few times to clear the tears and redness away. It was time to smile. Time to be happy. These people depended on her to be happy.

So she played her role. She didn't let on that there was any pain, any sadness, any hate. She smiled at appropriate moments. She laughed when she needed to. She would make these people as happy as she pretended to be.

The night passed uneventfully. After the year they'd had, everyone had wanted a peaceful summer. Fortunately, most people were willing to obey their wishes. After all, who would stand against Harry Potter? He was the one who defeated the Dark Lord. He could certainly silence a few plebs. At least, that's what the rumour mill seemed to be about.

The sun rose on a dreary morning. The sky was clouded. It was more than obvious that rain was just around the corner. And not just a light sprinkle. It would be a heavy downpour. Hermione felt her chest tighten as she looked out the window. She would have to try extra hard to keep her composure. She knew it was silly, but when she heard thunder it made every inch of her body quiver with fear. She loved lightning. She found it to be so beautiful. A brilliant light appearing for a split second to illuminate the darkness. That was true beauty. But the thunder that accompanied it; the cold rumble that shook the earth… Somehow she just didn't know how to deal with it in a reasonable manner. It wasn't within her skill set.

She selected a mint green dress with a loose pleated skirt and a classic collar. She paired it with a pair of white soft canvas flats. On her right hand, as always, she wore the claddagh ring her great aunt had given her. The heart pointed into her hand. She felt sad looking at it. She cared for Ron. And when he asked her to be his girlfriend, she'd been ecstatic. Even now, it seemed like a dream. He was so gentle toward her. He made her feel safe and warm. And she didn't deserve it. There were so many girls prettier, funnier, and likely smarter than she was. He could be with any of those girls. And yet he chose her. She just couldn't understand why. Still, just thinking about him made her feel a bit better.

Still smiling to herself, she exited the room and headed down to where she knew he was waiting. And sure enough, she could see his thick red hair even before she'd gone a few steps. He was so tall; a full 6'4". And at her height, it made her feel like a shrimp. It really was a bit ridiculous to have more than a foot in height difference. Hermione had always been small. She'd countered the appearance by wearing shoes with very thick soles. Now, however, she wore flats. And so her puny 5'2" height was very obvious. And beside the Weasleys, it was even more so.

Hermione sidled up to her boyfriend, slipping her arms around his waist. He'd put on a couple pounds since they'd last seen each other, but it wasn't a big deal. He'd been too skinny before.

She closed her eyes, leaning into his side. She felt his arms wrap around her, enveloping her in his warmth. She tilted her face up to his, and felt his soft lips against hers. She'd missed this. The comfort and ease of their relationship. He'd always looked after her, even when it seemed like he was being a crass jerk. He really did care about her a lot.

The sound of a throat clearing interrupted their kiss. Hermione felt her face blush deep red as she pulled away from Ron. She turned her head slightly, and saw Harry rolling his eyes. She knew that he worried about both of them, but they were happy together. Hermione loved Ron, and he loved her back. He did love her back, right? He said he did, so surely it must be true.

She felt her heart speed up, pounding a hard rhythm within her chest. What if it was all an act? What if he actually resented her and wanted her to leave? She pressed her eyelids tight together, trying to steady her nerves. It wouldn't do to have a panic attack here. When she opened her eyes, she saw Harry looking at her with concern. She waved her hand airily, in a dismissive manner.

"**Don't fret, Harry. I'm just a bit tired."** At least it wasn't an outright lie. She hadn't been able to sleep well lately. There was just too much for her to think about.

"**Now then. We'd best be off. We've got a lot of shopping to do, and I can guarantee it'll be busy."** She slipped her hand into Rons, and led the two boys out of the nearly empty pub and into the very busy streets of Diagon Alley.


	2. Stride

Hermione stepped out into the blinding sunlight. Diagon Alley was bright this morning, and she'd been correct in assuming it would be busy. People crowded the streets, bustling to get their shopping done before the new school year. There weren't nearly as many people returning this year, but it was still a nice day for shopping. Hermione felt the warmth against her skin, but that was as deep as it went. She could remember feeling it in her heart, but it couldn't reach now.

She felt the tug of Ron's hand as he pulled her along. She could see the excitement on his face and couldn't help grinning. It wasn't true happiness, but she felt relieved. Things really could be normal. She was sure this "off" feeling would pass. She had no doubt about it. She just had to keep smiling, and eventually it would be true. That's the way it worked. She was certain of it.

As she stumbled, she snapped out of her thoughts. Rons arms around her, catching her, sent her heart thumping. He always had a way of making her feel safe. Even in their toughest moments, she could be calm as long as he was there. It was a nice feeling. Comfortable.

She looked up at him and grinned. He smiled down at her and she blushed slightly. Sure, his smile was a little goofy, but it was also so sweet and so wonderful.

"**You alright, princess?"** His voice sounded worried. Hermione nodded quietly, not daring to speak in fear that her voice would give away the breathlessness that she felt. Sometimes she could not believe how lucky she was.

As she regained her balance, and they continued walking, she glanced surreptitiously at him. He really was attractive. Sure, he'd been gawky before, but he'd grown into his appearance. The strong jawline and muscular frame. Those years of playing Quidditch had done wonders for his body. It really was a man's sport.

Their first stop was Gringott's to pick up some money. The damage caused by the dragon was all but gone. Only slender cracks here and there revealed any weaknesses. The marble floors still shone and the wooden counters were polished. It really was a beautiful sight to behold. Hermione had always been very impressed with Gringott's. The goblins had clearly taken much pride in their workmanship.

As they lift the bank, she glanced back over her shoulder. She loved seeing it this way. She'd felt such pain in her heart at the ruins they'd left before.

Their next stop was Madam Malkin's Robes for All Occasions. They fought their way through the crowds and entered the surprisingly empty store. Madam Malkin was rushing about with great bolts of fabric. Her assistants scurried around, doing their best to stay out of her way.

"**Ex-excuse me. Madam Malkin?"** Hermione stuttered, and blushed. Harry looked at her questioningly. It was not in her nature to stutter. Madam Malkin whipped around and her eyes widened.

"**Customers!"** She exclaimed, a huge smile spreading across her face. **"How fortuitous. How fortuitous indeed! We've been all but barren the past few days."** Though she didn't elaborate, the trio could imagine why. When the war took place, the shop had been nearly destroyed. She'd struggled to build it back up again, and by the time she had another garment shop had opened Eeylops Owl Emporium and the Cauldron Shoppe. It seemed that the robes there were a bit more modern, though considerably more expensive.

Madam Malkin was more than happy to help them find robes and it them, all at a discounted price.

"**Just tell people where you got them, dears."** She told them. It was obvious that she needed a boost in business and they were more than happy to help. She'd supplied them with their robes for six years. It would seem a shame for her shop to flounder and fail.

They said their goodbyes and headed out. It was shortly after noon and the crowds seemed to be nearing their peak. Ron's stomache growled audibly and Harry chuckled. It was definitely lunchtime. After a short discussion, they headed to the diner that had replaced Florean Fortescue's Ice Cream Parlour. It was quaint and smelled delightful. As they were seated, Hermione glanced swiftly around at the décor. It was a bit kitschy with bright flowers in little blue and green vases atop doily covered tables. The curtains had bold floral patterns and the walls were a pale mint green. The chairs and tables were mismatched, which added to the homey feeling of it.

Hermione perused the menu, noting that they seemed to be mostly breakfast type foods. She quickly settled on the French toast, which came with whipped cream and Canadian maple syrup, and a coffee.

"**Well, I think I know what I'm having. How about you?"** She glanced at her comrades, hoping they'd made their decisions. She was quite hungry and wanted food to arrive sooner, rather than later. Harry and Ron both nodded and folded up their menus. When the waitress finally arrived, Hermione had to do a double take.

"**Angelina****!"** She was shocked. Angelina Johnson, working at Galaxie Diner! Angelina grinned at them. **"Hey, guys. How's it been?"** Hermione was relieved that her voice was as casual as it always had been. It had been hard for her after Fred died. Angelina had loved him. Everyone knew that. They'd wanted to get married. Fred had been talking about it right up until the final battle. They didn't know then, what would happen. How could they? Everything had happened so fast, and then he was gone. And then Angelina was gone too.

Hermione tuned back into the conversation as Harry told their friend about what they'd done during the summer. It really had sounded lovely. Their summer of goofing off and having fun. Hermione missed that. She almost wished she could've been there. But it would've been too hard to face them after all that had happened at her house, and with her parents.

"**So, did you get head girl**?" Hermione realized that she was now part of the conversation and nodded her head. She'd received the badge when she'd gotten her supplies list. It didn't say who the head boy was, but she hoped it was Anthony Goldstein. She'd seen him earlier in the week as he'd been shopping, but hadn't gotten the opportunity to ask him. Still, he was hardworking and intelligent, and had been a devoted member of Dumbledore's Army.

Angelina finally left to get their order to the cook, and the trio was left alone once more. They had a lot of catching up to do. Hermione managed to dodge most of the questions about whether she'd enjoyed her summer and what she'd done, choosing instead to focus on quizzing the boys about if they'd done any of the summer reading. As she suspected, they had not. Sometimes she really did feel that it was a shame that she wasn't friends with more hardworking students. But she supposed that her school life would be considerably less interesting.

When their food arrived, it was another waitress who brought it to them. The girl flashed Harry a flirtatious look that he appeared oblivious to. The French toast was delicious, succulent and moist. Unfortunately, the coffee, even with copious amounts of cream and sugar, was bitter. Hermione was not a fan of bitter coffee. Really, she wasn't a fan of anything bitter. She barely managed to choke down things like pumpkin juice, much prefer mango or pineapple. Raspberry-orange was another that she enjoyed. Those sorts of things were uncommon in the wizarding world, sadly. Sometimes she felt that the magical community was just too stereotypical.

They finished their lunch, enjoying the food so much they barely spoke, before paying and exiting. They needed to finish their shopping.

The street was bustling and crowded. It was challenging to avoid bumping into people, so it was no surprise when Hermione found herself knocked sideways when someone crashed into her. She turned to apologize, and caught her words just in time.

"**Watch it, mudblood."** The words were harsh and Hermione felt herself flinch slightly. She glared at the slender blonde boy, but her chest felt tight. She knew her existence meant little, and she was fortunate to have the people in her life that she had. But hearing him speak that word… Hearing him call her a mudblood just made it feel more real.

She lowered her gaze and turned away from him, muttering a quick **"sorry"** before walking away.

Her apology has caused Draco Malfoy to pause. He watched the tiny brunette walk away, feeling intrigued. Since when did Granger apologize to anyone?


	3. Saunter

The rest of their shopping trip went passed without incident. They were able to get all their books, though Harry had insisted on paying for Ron and Ginny's, much to the Weasley's chagrin. Hermione could understand their discomfort. It was almost as though he felt pity for them. That was one of the things Hermione couldn't stand. It was painful, knowing someone felt that way about you. She'd seen the discomfort in their faces. They'd accomplished so much, and yet they were still the underdogs.

As the evening wore on, and the boys started into a game of wizard chess, it struck Hermione that the next day would be Harry's birthday. She had neglected to get him a gift. She rushed upstairs and quickly asked Ginny what everyone had gotten for him. As she listened to the items, it occurred to her that there was one thing no one had gotten him that Harry very much needed.

Smiling, she set out into the street, hoping the shop she was headed to would still be open.

Diagon Alley at night was more than a bit intimidating. Sure, there were lanterns, but for the most part the shadows had taken over. The people that were out and about matched the ambiance perfectly, setting a dangerous tone. Hermione began to worry about her plan. She should have asked George to accompany her. But… She couldn't help but feel that this was something she needed to do on her own. This was personal. Harry was her dearest friend, and she needed to show that she cared about him.

Rounding the corner, a grin spread across her face. The store was still open, though not for much longer. Just glancing in the window, she already knew what she was going to get. There it was, beautiful and perfect. Just the thing she had to get for him.

The bell chimed as she entered, and the shopkeeper looked up.

"**Why hello, little lady,"** the elderly man behind the counter greeted her. He had a broad, honest smile and a worn face.

"**Good evening,"** she responded, smiling nervously. It was her first time buying this sort of thing on her own. **"Would it be possible to have something delivered in the morning? To the Leaky Cauldron?"** The shop keeper laughed and nodded his head.

"**I take it this'll be a gift?"** Hermione nodded and, with the help of the shop keeper, purchased the gift and arranged for its delivery.

Exiting back into the cold air, Hermione was so elated that she didn't notice the shadowy figure emerging from a shop ahead. The person stopped, and looked up at the night sky, sighing, and then falling. Hermione stumbled back as she crashed into someone.

"**Oh no! My deepest apologies!"** Her voice was squeaky and nervous. She seemed to be bumping into people a lot lately. She was troublesome, and she knew it. She looked at the person, and her anxiety grew. There, glaring up at her from the dirt, was Draco Malfoy. Nervously, she reached out her hand to help him up, though she doubted she could considering his size compared to hers. He brushed her aid aside and stood up, scowling darkly. She figured he must be nearly Ron's height, and a thousand times more intimidating.

"**Dammit, Granger! How many times must you do this before you are satisfied?"** His smooth voice was cold, and hinted of danger. Hermione looked at her feet, shaking slightly. She was always causing problems for people. And though Malfoy was the least of her worries, she was alone with him, in a dark street, and no one knew she'd gone out.

But she found herself fortunate. The Slytherin pushed past her and stalked down the street. She looked after him, her eyes wide in awe. She'd expected some form of violent rebuttal, but there had been nothing.

Her heart pounded, she rushed back to the inn. She was thoroughly shaken. She knew it was unlike her. In the past few weeks, she'd felt like she was a different person. She'd been weak, and self-conscious. She'd always had a fairly easy time in life, and felt that it was finally catching up with her.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As she'd suspected, her friends hadn't really noticed her absence. She'd only been gone about twenty minutes anyway. She was able to say goodnight to them quickly before slipping off to bed.

As she prepared to sleep, slipping into a short pale blue night gown, she heard a knock at her door. She opened it carefully, peeking through the crack.

"**Ron!"** She exclaimed, opening the door to let him in. Although she was barely dressed, it wasn't anything he hadn't seen before. The night of the Battle at Hogwarts, they had shared their love in the prefects bathroom.

Ron stepped into the room, slipping his arms around her waist, leaning down to kiss her. Hermione slipped her arms around his neck, pulling him closer. She heard him kick the door closer, and they were finally alone. For the first time that summer, they could be on their own.

She hadn't realized how desperately she'd wanted him until he was really there. Lips, hands, skin. She loved the feel of his warm body enfolded with hers. Quick breaths and gentle moans. She delighted in this. This closeness, for her, was true happiness.

They lay in the bed, kissing, touching. Every moment felt like bliss to her. And then it stopped. Ron was looking down at her with a look she couldn't recognize.

"**Ron?"** She was breathless, gasping at his name like a lifeline. He shook his head and smiled, leaning down to kiss her again. But she couldn't continue. Not when she'd seen that face. **"What is it?"** Now she knew that look. He was annoyed.

"**It's nothing. C'mon, babe. Don't leave me hanging."** He pressed his body down onto hers, and Hermione panicked. She pushed against his heavy shoulders, already knowing she was no match against his solid frame. He was kissing her jaw, her neck, her breasts. She let out a moan, nearly succumbing to his lips.

"**No. Ron… Please…"** She could barely fight against him. She wanted this. Every inch of her body wanted this. But she couldn't she needed to know what that look was about. She pushed against him again, and finally he stopped. He had gotten the message.

Ron rolled off her and rubbed his face with his hands. Hermione pushed herself onto her side and looked at him. He glanced at her from the corner of his eye. Yeah, he was annoyed.

"**I'm sorry."** Her voice was a murmur, almost scared. Finally he shook his head and leaned up. He motioned for her to roll over, and she did. Laying on her other side, he wrapped his arms around her, spooning her warmly. **"I love you,"** she whispered. There was a pause, and then she heard his voice respond. "**I love you too."**

Morning came all too soon, but Hermione woke up feeling sticky. Ron's brawny arms were wrapped around her, pulling her in tightly. For a moment, all was well. And then the anxiety set in. She felt like she were drowning. Trapped against him, she felt bound, unable to escape. She needed to move. She needed to get up.

Hermione began to struggle. She was nearly at the point of tears when she felt the arms release her. Looking to his face, she saw concern in his eyes.

"**Hermione… Are you alright?"** His voice was sleepy, but worried. The petite brunette forced a smile onto her face and nodded. **"Sorry. Just a nightmare."**

Shaking her head, she pushed herself off of him. **"I'm going to shower."** She moved as quickly as she could without being suspicious, disappearing quickly into the bathroom. As soon as the door shut, she leaned against the counter, covering her face with her hands. A small sob wracked through her. Why was she reacting like this? What was going on with her? She just couldn't understand it.

She took a few steadying breaths before stepping to the shower and turning to handle. She let the water run for a few minutes, using the toilet while the water heated up. When she stepped into the water she finally felt like she could breath. The small, steamy stall filled with a heavy feeling, and she cried. She felt so confused and alone. She didn't know how to handle this. She loved Ron. That was not a disputable fact. But lately… Lately she'd just felt like there was this rock lodged in her heart. Everything hurt. Every day, she looked outside hoping to see the sun, but instead seeing just a burning ball of gas. Where were the singing birds? The twinkling stars? Anything? Where was anything that would make her happy?

She just couldn't find it.

Finishing her shower, she dried off and returned to her room. At some point, Ron had left. She slipped into the cream slip dress she'd picked out the night before, pairing it with some white ballet flats and a thin mint green cardigan.

She exited her room, hearing the cheerful commotion of the Weasleys, about to dig in to their breakfast. Walking down the stairs, she surveyed the cheerful scene, feeling like an outsider looking in.

But as usual, she was greeted with love from her friends. A smile was plastered onto her face, rehearsed a thousand times. She sat between Ron and Harry, regretting that decision almost immediately as they began a loud "discussion" about the various qualities that made a Quidditch team "good".

Then the post arrived. The moment Hermione had been waiting for. A beautiful white and gold barn owl fluttered down in front of Harry, holding out its leg for the attached letter to be removed. Confused, Harry carefully took it off before feeding the owl a little piece of egg.

He unrolled the note, and as he read his eyes widened in shock. He turned to look at Hermione, tears in his eyes.

"**Hermione…"** The brunette smiled at her dark-haired friend. She watched him reach out to stroke his new pet, the owl, her gift to him. The rest of the Weasleys began clamouring to get a better look at the stunning bird. Questions about the cost fluttered quietly between them and Hermione grew embarrassed. She played it off like it wasn't too much. She couldn't let them know she'd spent most of her savings on it. She would have to be careful with money from now on. No more buying bags of sweets at Hogsmeade. It had to be used only for things that were important. But Harry was worth it. Seeing him smile would always be worth it. And after what happened to Hedwig… He needed a new owl.

As other gifts were handed to the birthday boy, Hermione felt more discomforted by the gift she'd given. In her mind, she saw the Weasleys judging her. She'd upstaged their well-thought out gifts that they'd spent their meager sickles on. And she'd given him a freaking owl.

"**Excuse me for a moment."** Hermione said quickly before standing up from the table. She fled to the street before the tears could fall. It was a Sunday, and not very busy. She was glad for that. She wasn't sure what she'd do if they knew why she was crying. Surely she'd be shamed even further. She was leaning against the wall of Gringott's when a voice broke through her silence.

"**What are you sniveling for, Granger?"** His voice was harsh and cold. She looked up at Malfoy and shook her head. **"It's none of your business!"** She pushed herself off from the wall and glared at him, tears falling more slowly.

"**Fine. I didn't care to know anyway."** Hermione watched him turn on heel and stalk away. It took a moment before it dawned on her. She'd seen that, right?

"**Malfoy!"** She called out after him. When he turned to face her, she knew she was right. There, gleaming against his black lapel, was the head boy badge she'd desperately hoped would go to anyone else.

Hermione's eyes widened. This year would not go well.


	4. Stroll

When Hermione returned to the Leaky Cauldron, her friends were there waiting for her. She was greeted with comforting smiles and open arms. She was touched by their concern for her, but couldn't shake the feeling that she'd crossed an uncomfortable line. She'd overstepped her boundaries with that gift. Fortunately, Harry didn't seem to mind. In fact, he claimed that he was ecstatic about it.

"**Thank you so much, 'Mione."** Harry smiled through watery eyes. It was so clear that he still missed Hedwig, and no one could blame him for that. He'd had Hedwig for a long time. His entire Hogwarts life, in fact. Hermione knew that the barn owl she'd given him would never replace the bond he had with her.

"**I've decided to call her Keeva."** Hermione liked the name he'd chosen. It was one of the names from their newest Defense Against the Dark Arts textbooks. It was a Gaelic name meaning gentleness or beauty. At least it assured her that he'd started getting ahead on their reading. It meant she might not have to write half their essays this year. She would have enough on her plate with her new duties. She didn't need to be worried about those guys as well.

That afternoon, they all decided to go for a walk in muggle London. Ron and Ginny weren't accustomed to muggle food or shops, and they always enjoyed trying out new things.

Hermione felt happy, her small hand enclosed by Rons large one. He always found ways to make her feel appreciated. Still, that small feeling in her chest… That choking feeling that made her feel lost and confused… She couldn't shake it. Being with Ron, or even Harry, used to make her feel so safe. Lately, however, nothing made her feel safe. The anxiety just built up more and more.

They decided to stop for lunch at a small café. Hermione wasn't feeling hungry, opting for a thick slice of biscotti and an iced coffee, she barely managed to choke it down. Her throat felt tight. And every time Malfoy crossed her mind, it just got so much worse. She was not looking forward to working with him this year. She'd heard rumours that the head boy and girl had to share a dorm. Percy assured her that this was inaccurate, but she just wasn't sure. It could be true.

"**Are you sure you're alright, Hermione**?" Rons voice broke through her haze of thoughts. She realized she'd likely been sitting there looking teary eyed. She forced herself to smile at him and nodded.

"**Yes, love. I'm alright. Just a bit tired. I haven't slept well lately."** It was the same excuse she used when Ginny asked if she was alright. It was a tired excuse, and she was sure her friends were sick of hearing it.

Ron chuckled and put his hand on her leg. Leaning in close, he put his forehead against hers.

"**Well maybe I can help you with that tonight."** It was a tempting offer, but lately Hermione just hadn't been interested. She loved him. There was no doubt about that. But her body just didn't want to go along with her heart.

"**Thanks, Ron, but I think I just need to try to rest tonight." **She hoped he would understand. She was always worried that he was only with her for her body. Her fears were subsided slightly when he shook his head, staying close.

"**That makes sense. You've looked a little tired lately."** Hermione flashed him a quick scowl. That was not just the kind of thing you said to your girlfriend. It was a clear implication that she didn't look good. Ron seemed to have realized what he'd said, however, as his ears turned bright red and he looked away. **"I mean… You look beautiful, as always. Just you seem tired."**

Hermione didn't think she looked beautiful. She was pretty, at best, but certainly not beautiful. Looking at Ginny, she couldn't help comparing herself. Her red-haired friend was tall and slender, with high cheek bones and sleek hair. Hermione, on the other hand, was short and a little chubby. Her face was round, and although she'd improved her hair greatly, it still tangled easily. She could wear heels all she wanted, she would never have the kind of figure men fell over themselves for.

All the same, she made herself smile at her boyfriend, pretending like she agreed. Every day, smiling got just a little bit harder.

The day wore on, and the four friends found themselves quickly running out of money, and energy. Deciding to head back to the Leaky Cauldron, Hermione paused, looking into the window of a shop.

It was a simple dress shop. The interior was a variety of soft brown hues, and the sign looked old. The dresses looked a bit casual, and Hermione desperately wanted to go inside. But her friends were moving on, and Hermione knew she would need to follow. She made sure to note the store hours, in case she wanted to make a return trip alone.

Harry had noticed her interest in the store, and couldn't help but wonder what made stores like that so interesting to women. Sure, he loved seeing a girl in a dress. The femininity of it was very attractive to him. But he always felt a bit worried. Ginny had never been interested in that sort of thing, preferring to wear shorts and tank tops instead.

That night, Hermione was finally able to sleep. The exhaustion of the day had worn her out. When she woke, she could remember dreaming, but couldn't remember what she'd dreamt. It was a bit irksome, because it had seemed really important when she was asleep. She tried to brush it off, but it continued to linger a bit.

The days slipped by like water, and Hermione felt herself growing more and more worried as the day she would have to return to Hogwarts drew nearer. There was an excited energy in the air, but she just couldn't connect to it the way the others had.

All too soon it was the night before they were set to return. Hermione had attempted to do the required reading for the year and found she was feeling perpetually bored and distracted. She loved to read and couldn't understand what was wrong. Sure, she'd been eating less, but she wanted to lose a few pounds before the new school year started. Her uniform had been feeling a bit tight when she tried it on, and it made her nervous.

It had been successful so far. She'd lost nearly ten pounds, and all her clothes were feeling a bit looser. It was satisfying. Sure, she hadn't been able to get her other things done, but at least this was going well.

"**Hermione!"** The petite brunette was roused from her thoughts by a woman's voice. Looking around, she was surprised, and not particularly pleased, to see Lavender Brown standing on the other side of the table. She'd always been a bit apprehensive of the skinny blonde. Lavender and Ron had dated for a few weeks, but that time had been very rough for Hermione. Even then, she'd loved him. Lavender hadn't given him up easily, and at the end of the war she'd tried to make a move on him. Ron had rebuffed her, however, and she'd said she'd given up. But Hermione didn't quite buy it. She'd always felt that Lavender was a bit of a tramp.

"**Lavender. So good to see you." **Hermione spoke the words as cheerfully as possible through clenched teeth, smiling all too falsely. A hot feeling rose up in her stomach and she wanted nothing more than to slap the leggy girl.

Hermione always felt very short in the girls dorm. All her friends were tall and slender, and those that weren't slender were still at least tall. It was a bit discouraging, and she could understand why guys hadn't paid much attention to her. Who would want to date a shrimp?

"**Are you and Ron still dating, or is he free**?" Hermione looked at Lavender, and saw that those sharp green eyes staring at Ron. She couldn't contain it anymore. Hermione's arm moved away from her body, and she felt the sting as her palm connected with Lavenders cheek.

Whirling away before anyone could stop her, Hermione rushed back to her room, tears already welling in her eyes.


End file.
